Upon Saying No
I am hesitant to type this post. As I sit here my palms are breaking out in a sweat and my stomach is doing flip-flops. But it is NEWS I suppose in our adoption, even thought not the type of news I wish to share.
Yesterday we said no. There it is. One sentence captures the essence of the story.
I (Hilary) have been gone for about two weeks on an unplanned trip to see my dear Grandmother I posted about a few posts ago. She took a turn for the worse, but I am happy to report she is doing much better. I did not want to have any regrets so I packed up my bags and my son and took off on a trip north. Never had I traveled so far, alone. Thank goodness for GPS! :)
On my way home, my in-laws traveled down south with me. I had some company with me in the form of my dear mother-in-law. Just as we were driving down 81 through some mountains I got a call on my cell phone. I picked it up and saw the 703 area code and thought, "oh dear! I think this is it!" The call we have been waiting seven months for! I answered and the woman on the other end told me she had a potential referral for us. I didn't know what to think! Here I am driving down the highway somewhere in Virginia with Bonnie at my side! But then she said, I have a single child that we would like to send you information on. As SOON as she said that my stomach/heart sunk and I had an immediate feeling that this was not right. I was very calm and I am sure hesitant to know what to say. I think she was surprised at my quiet, hesitant reaction. I told her I was traveling and would like to call my husband. I even asked her not to send the referral to us in an email until I had spoken with Jacob.
As I got off the phone I told Bonnie this was it...the call! She was so surprised and even unsure of what to think as she was now mixed into a personal issue between my husband and I! So I called Jacob and he too had the same initial reaction. We talked about weather we should get the email and look at the pictures and then decide.
I now realize God's hands were upon us in this crazy situation. Both of us felt beyond a shadow of a doubt that we should wait...and say no. We didn't need to see any photos to decide. We did pray about it and then Jacob called AWAA back to say that we just didn't feel right about this.
Within half an hour it was all over. I felt really, really odd. How could we say no to a child? This was it! The call we had been anticipating, hoping and praying for! And then to be flooded with the knowledge that for some reason God was nudging our hearts to say no.
I hesitate to tell our story. But I feel it is a clear evidence of God's hand in this whole adoption process. Perhaps all the trauma we had a year or two ago when we had three domestic adoptions fall apart prepared us for this phone call. I can have a peace about it all. I trust that God will bring our children to us in his timing! And I know that if she had called to say she had the perfect referral that somewhere in Virginia I would have flown off the side of the mountain!
